A Tale of Two Kiddies

Sex and the Shot

Let's talk about sex!*

I'm just not that into it. For a really long time it was something we HAD to do at just the right time of the month in order to get pregnant. And then it was to be avoided because we were trying to get pregnant (IVF). And then I had that whole fiasco of a pregnancy and was on "pelvic rest" for pretty much all but 3-4 weeks. During that time Brian was too scared to do anything, so we didn't for a VERY long time. And then we had twins, and we were too tired to do the basic things like shower, eat and brush our teeth, let alone have sex. Plus, when you don't shower or brush your teeth who could possibly find you attractive?

The babies turned 6 months old and started sleeping better and Brian wanted sex. I was definitely not ready for it. And I'm such a beeyotch that I didn't even give in to the pity sex. He got close to nothing for a year. That’s in addition to the previous year where he REALLY got nothing. Poor guy!

And then I found a miracle. I talked to Dr. Fabulous, my OBGYN, and she said, "Try testosterone, it works!" I was like, "What? Will I grow a moustache? Will I get facial hair?" No and NO! It is a very low-dose shot, just enough to give your libido a boost. And boy did I need it!

After the first shot I was a new woman. Not only did I initiate sex, but I initiated MORNING sex...and that NEVER happens. I started wanting sex more, we started having sex more and the cycle grew on itself. Having more sex = wanting more sex! And no other side effects to speak of.

Well, I haven't had the shot in a few months and we're back to a couple times a month. Sad, I know.

Ironically, while I was in the middle of writing this post I met up with Dr. Fab and several girlfriends for drinks. We all discussed the “T-Shot,” as we refer to it. I’m going to see her NEXT week for my next shot.

Anybody else out there getting the T-shot?

*I'm writing this post as if I actually have readers, when truthfully I think the only person that reads my blog is Sarah from Sarah and the Goon Squad. Shout out to Sarah!

Assvice

Assvice: n. The annoying habit of giving unwanted and unasked for advice to a stranger.  Very common in new mother's who are bursting at the seams to share their child-rearing knowledge with other mother's because they think they are the ONLY person to have discovered said knowledge

Why is it that I can't help myself? 

I was in the grocery store the other day perusing the baby food aisle.  I don't even know why I go down that aisle anymore as Alex and Mia barely eat the stuff now.  I was looking over the fine selection of jarred food because I have an obsession with it, even though I make most of my own baby food.  A woman approached and started to check out the Gerber Graduates corn.  I felt a burning, yearning desire deep down in my core to shout out, "DON'T BUY THAT STUPID SHIT!  WHY WASTE YOUR $$?"  I bit my tongue, I swear it almost started to bleed.

And just when I thought that amazingly intense desire to share my thoughts had subsided, my mouth opened and out came this cheerful know-it-all voice that said, "You know, frozen veggies in the microwave do the exact same thing and they are SOOOOOO much cheaper!"

"SHUT UP!" my inner-self yelled.  When have I ever been concerned with cheaper when it came to grocery shopping? 

"Thanks," the mother responded as she placed the package back on the shelf and high-tailed it down the aisle.  Inside she was probably saying, "Listen bitch, if I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it!"

When I got in line, she was in front of me and I half expected her to put that bag of Gerber Graduates corn on the conveyor belt, but, alas, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the bag of frozen corn instead.

Does this give me license to continue spewing assvice at every opportunity?  Hell no.

Will I continue to do it?  Probably.  I'm so annoying!

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions

But if I did believe in New Years’ Resolutions, this is what my Top Ten list would look like.

10) Get a healthier diet. HA! I’m already working on this one as we have an appointment with a nutritionist in mid-January.
9) Get rid of the 15 baby pounds that were supposed to vanish as I breastfed for 7 FUCKING MONTHS.
8) Get back into my exercise routine, including yoga, which I miss desperately. I don’t miss the gym, but it’s a necessary evil.
7) Get away WITHOUT the twins and WITH my hubby.
6) Get away WITHOUT the twins and WITHOUT the hubby.
5) Get some more patience.
4) Get organized as I am a clutter-bug, car key-losing, pile-making SLOB.
3) Get back to work and actually make some $$ selling some freakin’ houses in the BEST real estate market in the free world.
2) Get laid more often*. My hubby IS a saint, even if he doesn’t believe in saints.
1) Get a life and stop making New Years’ Resolutions.

*This one won’t be that difficult, considering last year we only did it 5 times. Yes, 5 times! Why, you ask? Well, because I am a beeyotch and I had the pregnancy from hell.

Save the date

After 7 ½ years of dating, my loser brother finally popped the question to his fabulous, if not a little anal retentive, girlfriend.  OK, my brother is not really a loser.  In fact, he puts me to shame.  He has a PhD in dirt, yep…dirt.  The fancy term is agronomy and really it is the study of plants and soils, but I prefer to call him the Dirt Doctor.

Here’s a pic of the ring.  So nice and sparkly and shiny and new.  I told Brian it was time for an upgrade.  Told you I was a beeyotch.

Today the Dirt Doctor and Little Miss Anal Retentive (makes for an interesting combo, eh?) sent an e-mail with their wedding date.  Turns out they are getting married on Sascha and Mia’s 1^st Birthday – May 7^th.

I replied to the e-mail and asked if Sascha and Mia could take part in the cake festivities.  I figure all my brother’s crazy college friends will probably be hooting and hollering for some cake smashing, right?

Beeyotch defined

Beeyotch.  n. A term of endearment for a bitch.  She might also be a little snobby, sassy and honest-to-a-fault. She is sometimes selfish, oftentimes hard-headed and rarely takes no for an answer.  While she can be all of the above, she means no harm in her actions.  Most of the time she acts this way as a form of entertainment.  Or because she’s tired, cranky and needs a good nap. 

I am a TOTAL beeyotch and proud of it.