A Tale of Two Kiddies

We have teeth...finally!

I was beginning to think baby dentures were in our future.  At 11.5 months Mia had only two teeth and Alex had none.  This did not stop them from gumming  any food I put in front of them.  They are my husband's children, afterall.

This week has been pure hell for all of us.  They are cranky and out of sorts by night, I am cranky and out of sorts by day.  You get the idea!

Collectively they are cutting 8 teeth, all on top.  Amelia has cut 3 of 4 teeth, Alex has cut 2 of 4, which means that the hellish nights are not going to be over anytime soon.

On the up-side, at least they are cutting these teeth at the same time.  Poor babies!

The post in which I bitch about my MIL

I could regale you with tales of my mother-in-law, I assure you it would not be boring.  The woman is the best guilt-tripper and as self-absorbed as any person I've ever met.

I truly believed that she was so excited to be a grandmother that MAYBE, just MAYBE, some of the self-absorption would disappear.  WRONG! 

I admit, I'm a beeyotch, but I would have met her halfway if she would have even tried.  A&M will be 1 (1!!!) in less than a week, and since they were born she has done nothing to make things easier for us and plenty to make things more difficult.  Case in point, she booked a trip to visit us on the ONE weekend I told her she could not come (the weekend the babies were going to be released from the NICU).  When she does visit all she can do is complain about my "rules" and then completely ignore them.  With TWO babies the last thing you need in the beginning (or ever) is for someone to make things more difficult.

She only calls when she has her own agenda and she barely asks about the kids.  On the flip side, Brian's step-mother calls at least once every week or so and the first thing she says is, "How are the babies?"  As a result of her calls, I call her more often.

My MIL was bitching to SIL recently that she doesn't know anything about A&M.  Do they have teeth? Are they crawling? walking? talking? 

The thing is, all she has to do is ASK.  Is that so difficult?

Hello, Target Pharmacy

Let's just say you were my real-life friend and tried to call my cell phone the past couple days, you might have gotten the Target Pharmacy OR the Laura Mercier counter at Saks.

This is due to the fact that I lost my mind AND my cell phone on two SEPARATE occasions the past two days.  I did what any smart person who has temporarily lost their mind (and most important means of communication) would do and called my phone.

The first call (made from my home phone) went something like this:
Ring...ring...ring...(as I scrambled frantically around my car hoping my cell phone was stuck between the seats)
Male voice: "Hello, Target Pharmacy!"
Me: "So, that's where my phone is!"

The second call (made from the Saks jewelry counter because that woman was so NOT busy and I wondered if I was going to be her only customer interaction for the day) went like this:
Ring...ring...ring...(as I prayed that I didn't have to walk the entire length of the mall to find the damn phone)
NO answer, so I started my trek back into the mall when I heard the clear and OBNOXIOUS tone that tells me when I have a missed call.

Now I know why that Missed Call tone is SO FREAKIN' ANNOYING ... and useful.

Beerthday Gifts

Me: What should we tell your parents to get Alex and Mia for their birthday?

Brian: KEGERATOR

Uh, yah...I'll get right on that!

She speaks!

Mia growls, grunts and squeals, but up until recently she didn't really "speak."  Over the past 11 months we've heard lots of grrrrrrrrrrssssssss, uh-uh-uhhhhhhhhhs and AAAAAA-EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYS, but not a lot of babbling of consonants.

Being a first-time mom, I started to grow worried when I read ON THE INTERNET (why do I do that?) that 75% of babies are babbling consonants by 10 months.  So, I did what any first-time mom would do and called the pediatrician.  I tried to sound all casual about it, starting out by saying, "OK, I know she's going to talk by the time she goes to college, but..."  Being the great pediatrician that she is, she assured me that Mia is still well within the NORMAL range.  I know she's normal, but it is still nice to hear.  We agreed that if by 1 year she wasn't babbling consonants we would get a referral to a speech therapist.

Looks like we won't need that referral after all.  This weekend, not only did Mia speak, but now she WON'T SHUT UP.  All of a sudden she is all "bwa-bwa-bwaaaaaaaaa!" and "ba-ba-ba!" and "bla-bla-bla!" 

When she starts talking back I'm sure I'll wish she never started talking in the first place, but for now this is the milestone I've been the most excited about.

Assvice

Assvice: n. The annoying habit of giving unwanted and unasked for advice to a stranger.  Very common in new mother's who are bursting at the seams to share their child-rearing knowledge with other mother's because they think they are the ONLY person to have discovered said knowledge

Why is it that I can't help myself? 

I was in the grocery store the other day perusing the baby food aisle.  I don't even know why I go down that aisle anymore as Alex and Mia barely eat the stuff now.  I was looking over the fine selection of jarred food because I have an obsession with it, even though I make most of my own baby food.  A woman approached and started to check out the Gerber Graduates corn.  I felt a burning, yearning desire deep down in my core to shout out, "DON'T BUY THAT STUPID SHIT!  WHY WASTE YOUR $$?"  I bit my tongue, I swear it almost started to bleed.

And just when I thought that amazingly intense desire to share my thoughts had subsided, my mouth opened and out came this cheerful know-it-all voice that said, "You know, frozen veggies in the microwave do the exact same thing and they are SOOOOOO much cheaper!"

"SHUT UP!" my inner-self yelled.  When have I ever been concerned with cheaper when it came to grocery shopping? 

"Thanks," the mother responded as she placed the package back on the shelf and high-tailed it down the aisle.  Inside she was probably saying, "Listen bitch, if I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it!"

When I got in line, she was in front of me and I half expected her to put that bag of Gerber Graduates corn on the conveyor belt, but, alas, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the bag of frozen corn instead.

Does this give me license to continue spewing assvice at every opportunity?  Hell no.

Will I continue to do it?  Probably.  I'm so annoying!